Despite the mountains of rational evidence to the contrary there were still lots of folks out there holding to the claim that come December 21, 2012 the ire of the universe would refocus upon the planet Earth and cast us all into an end-of-the-world scenario of some kind. It didn’t. Obviously. And as I wrap up another Week of Lists with one final post following the lack of fallout from the not-quite-apocalypse, feel free to ponder life in a brand new light — the light of a new hope for a world still kicking — and enjoy some more free advice to follow:
So your End of the World scenario didn’t pan out as you hoped…. expected… anticipated… whatever. The world goes on. And there you are, stuck with your life savings (and potentially a boat load of debt) sunk into every piece of equipment available to help you and your loved one’s hunker down and pull through the apocalypse that couldn’t be bothered to materialize. Now what?
I can’t help you with the life savings part, but here are some options for all those armageddon supplies that are cluttering up your garage. What to do with…
- Open a roadside diner called “Nuthin’ But Beans and Soup”
- Get your paint and canvas out and become the next Andy Warhol.
- Tin can fort!
- Approach random strangers on the street and say “I think you dropped your soup.”
- Win the award for biggest Food-bank Donation Ever!
2 :: All Those Apocalypse Books, Magazines and Other Literature
- Papier-mÃƒÂ¢chÃƒÂ© apocalypse-themed crafts to sell on Etsy.
- Carve out the insides as a secret storage case for your valuables.
- Donate them to your local dentist’s office.
- Draw rude additions to the Mayan artwork and photos of mushroom clouds and show your friends.
- Save them for the next faux apocalypse threat.
- Ready, Set, Halloween 2013!
- Save it for that week you all eat nothing but beans (See #1 above.)
- Keep one handy for making a point about those sick relatives who show up at the Christmas party despite the fact that they are coughing up a lung and infecting everyone else.
- Become “that strange guy who always wears a gas mask.”
- Carry one on the train on your way to work then suddenly look at your watch, before cursing loudly and pulling it quickly over your face.
4 :: The Two-Handed Sword You Bought But Never Learned to Use
- Join a LARP group.
- Hold it over your head and shout “By the power of Greyskull!”
- Buy some apples and play the real-life Fruit Ninja game.
- Buy some medieval-looking clothing and pose for pictures at the farmers market.
- Best marshmallow roasting stick ever.
- Install a table, some lights, and a mini-bar and become the ultimate games night host.
- Turn it into your underground man-cave.
- Two Words: Mother-in-law suite.
- Threaten your misbehaving kids with “an hour in the tank.”
- Fill it with water and some hungry trout… and relax.
This post is part of my (satirical) Seven Days of Apocalypse Week of Lists countdown to (almost certainly not) the end of the world. Share and enjoy.