I like Amazon.
We have Prime and we have little brown boxes arriving on our doorstep what seems like every couple of days.
But multiple times each year Amazon has a big site-wide sale — Black Friday, Prime Day, or today… Boxing Day. And multiple times per year I go online and notice things I often didn’t know existed until I loaded the website. This is a trend, and I don’t think it’s on accident. In fact, I think Amazon (and probably any modern retailer) has a secret strategy about what it really puts on sale.
In other words, today’s Boxing Day sale was less about selling useful stuff I actually need, and more about clickbait shopping. What’s that, you ask? Clickbait shopping works something like this:
1. Oh, look… it’s boxing day and there is a big sale, I didn’t find what I really wanted but…
2. Oh, look… I didn’t even know that was a thing until just this moment when I saw it there, and I’d never buy it, but…
3. Oh, look… it’s on sale! I really shouldn’t. No. I don’t need it but…
4. Oh, look… it will be on my doorstep in 48 hours! Huzzah!
Rather than spend any money this year, I spend some quality time browsing the offerings, then took some screenshots and thought.. I should share some of these gems, like…
This Amazing Vegetable Tool (that is probably a real pain in the ass to clean after you slice one carrot and your finger)
You’d buy this because after spending the holidays eating fancy meals and delicately decorated chocolates, the thouught of going back to eating food that comes shaped like the boring old shapes it’s delivered in haunts your yuletime dreams. Better start the New Year off right and turn your cucumbers into spaghetti-shapes and your carrots into sushi rolls. Because the thing keeping you from eating vegetables on a more regular basis is probably that they’re too convenient.
This Handy Hand Held Metal Detector (that you’ll lose long before you ever need it to find something that you actually lost)
You’d buy this because as you pack for your tropical post-christmas holiday you realize all the fun you could have trolling the caribbean beaches for loose change instead of wasting your time just sitting there getting a sunburn. No one will judge you, right? In fact, find one lost engagement ring and you’ve probably paid for your whole trip. You’d be stupid NOT to immediately order this.
This Indoor Herb Garden (that will save you hundreds of cents on fresh herbs every single year)
You’d buy this because after scrolling past this gem on the online store sixteen times, you finally understand that nothing says fully embracing an organic diet quite like tripling your household energy use to grow seventy-five cents worth of parsley to garnish your homemade ratatouille or a bucks worth of mint to make all those mohitos you can no longer afford because of your power bill.
This Watermelon Slicer (that would you would use for literally nothing else the other 364 days each year)
You’d buy this because nothing irks you more than a blisteringly hot summer day filled with inconsistently sliced watermelon. C’mon people… taste is like ninety percent presentation. We’ve been over this.
This Clip-on Bidet (that would make you and everyone who visits your bathroom question your sanity)
You’d buy this because, let’s face it, North American bathrooms have never embraced the poshness of washing your bum with a little sprinkler after the business of the day is complete. If you knew these little reverse water fountains existed you’d have installed them in every toilet in your home a long time ago.
This Beekeeping Suit (that would definitely encourage your neighbours to reconsider what that real estate agent told them last month)
You’d buy this because, hey, didn’t they just pass a bylaw that makes it legal to have an urban bee hive in your back yard. Think of how great it will be to produce your own honey. Everyone loves honey. It’s sweet and refreshing and, y’know, I bet you could find a really good mead recipe.
And four thousand bee’s make a nice pet, right? I’ll put them in the basement over winter, I think.