June 7 – Something You Have Failed
aka. Post 7 of Those 30 Posts in June Blog-Every-Day Posts
I’m not interested in being famous, that’s not the point of this. But it happened again tonight. I was listening to the national news on the radio and someone with whom I once crossed paths in my youth, a peer, a one-time-friend, was suddenly there in my living room, her voice, there being interviewed in the middle of a story with some weight and some gravitas and some particular and wide-reaching interest. She’s doing important things, helping people in meaningful ways that other people want to know about, other people care about, that are interesting and worthy of a national news story, and…
And I turn off the radio, finish cooking my dinner, and then go outside to mow the grass and sit in the yard with my dog.
It happens with a weird sort of frequency. I find that I know people whose lives feel more weighty and influential than I even think I might want to be, that I know people from long distant memories of my youth, twenty, thirty years past, people I’ve sat with, danced with, drank with, learned with, paced beside before they raced ahead and there they are, being important, influencing, changing, impacting, making the news, telling the news, changing the world, doing instead the opposite of whatever it is I’m doing to not stand out.
I’m not looking for fame. Maybe validation. Maybe acknowledgement. I don’t even really know. I can’t even really articulate it.
Sometimes I’ll see someone I used to know on TV and I’ll send them a note and just say, hi there, I saw you on TV and hey, that was pretty cool what you’re up to, remember me. I’m just here… being pretty much someone you won’t likely see on TV, y’know what I mean? Carry on. I’ll be over here listening to the news stories about those interesting things you are doing.
There’s always a bigger fish. Always bigger ponds. Always bigger ideas and bigger things happening. I guess you don’t always realize who those bigger fish are until a few more years go by. I guess I didn’t realize I was swimming with so many bigger fish at one point. Maybe I still am.
I don’t want to stand out, not necessarily. I just sometimes get a little jolt that reminds me that I’m not so much trying to, either, that I’ve failed at that game, or that maybe I was never even playing it.