EDMONTON (Starkware Press Service) - Residents of a south side neighborhood are relieved this morning at reports of a conclusion to the week-long standoff between homeowners and an unwelcome invader in the north-eastern corner of the small municipal territory. Authorities have confirmed that following a stalemate of failed negotiations for a peaceful settlement to the land-rights battle force was used to end the conflict and avoid further escalation of violence in the otherwise peaceful suburb. “We didn’t want this to drag on into the summer months.” said a spokesperson for the family. “And we’re glad it seems to be over.” Authorities admit that initial attempts at non-lethal deterrents were met with some frustration. “We tried to make the invader as uncomfortable as possible. It can’t have been a very pleasant way to live and we thought that might have been enough of a motivation to leave.” Details of the early days of the campaign remain sketchy, but seems to have involved ongoing destruction of the gopher’s underground fortifications. “We’re not violent people here.” The spokesman said. “But we protect our own and this creature represented a threat to our food supply.” Residents of the neighboring yard failed to offer any support despite repeated incursions across the border. “They are a fairly insular population overall. We’re not on unfriendly terms, no. I think their economy is doing just fine, but there is definitely a rural-urban disconnect once you cross the fence. If the attacks had been on any of their architecture I’m sure we would have seen a lot more action.” Yesterday, other options exhausted, mechanical means were used to breach the gopher’s fortifications and a sophisticated compression trap brought the standoff to a humane end for all parties. Residents plan to spend the next few days excavating and destroying the creature’s bunkers while continuing a vigilant watch for further perimeter breaches. |
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