I took one of those quick meandering quaffee breaks just a few minutes ago, wandering down the stairs of our office, out to the Esso station next door with the Tim Horton’s limited selection coffee and donut bars built into the corner. I picked up a long john and a medium brew, and after paying the dude working the counter, turned around to see a woman with a large bird perched on her shoulder standing behind me.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that…
But since we’re on the topic, I just thought I should mention my strong adversion to people with birds. I’m not a bird owner myself — heaven forbid — and don’t ever intend to be. In fact, even the idea of even just watching birds — let alone having one sit on your shoulder and potentially crap there (do you realize how dirty that is?) — is enough to turn my stomach. Now, some may call me narrow-minded, but I don’t think people who own birds should be allowed to shop at donut stores — especially a Tim Horton’s donut store, whatever form that Tim Horton’s donut store might take. It’s wrong, vile, and an afront to the natural way of the universe (and probably even says so in the Bible somewhere — God hates bird owners!) The idea of bird owners bringing their ideas and flighty ways into Canadian institutions like Timmy’s is disturbing and if we let situations like this slip we’ll all be bird owners some day and society will begin to crumble around us. Some bird owners might complain but I have two things to say to them: (a) we, the majority are always right and know what’s best for the good of our society, and (b) you chose to be a bird owner — it’s not as if you were born that way — and as such you have to face the consequences of your choice and deal with the fact that some of us will inevitably have many more fundamental rights than you. If you want donuts you’ll just need to settle for cooking them yourselves in your bird-infested little homes and keeping it all nice and quiet so the rest of us don’t have to watch you and your bird-loving ways enjoying what the rest of us have all fought and endured hardships to earn the right to have. Preserve the sanctity of a Canadian institution and keep bird owners out of Tim Hortons by:
1 holding “anti-bird” rallys and shouting Biblical verses (make them up if you don’t know any) at locations known to harbour bird owners.
2 sending letters to your Member of Parliament insisting that the government appeal the rights of bird owners in society.
3 contacting your local Klan office and ask to be added to their mailing list so you can recieve updates and information about hate-crimes.
4 buying (and registering) a gun so you can guard your local Tim Horton’s from birds and/or their owners.
This is important people. Orange alert: the next thing you know bird owners will want to be getting married or something.